sad news...

please read all the way through...

as the master of all drama, this is the latest sign from god that i have come to the crossroads in my life... letting me know how selfish i am... 

this intersection is the most scary and dangerous one i've known to date...

my mother's friend larry died a few days ago... they were once engaged... 

i've known him about 10 years... he was on a trip in france when he died in a car accident... while sleeping in the back seat, he bumped his head... he spoke for a few minutes before he went unconscious and died of a brain hemorrage in the ambulance...

he was my idol... and i never told him so... i wished to be as close to him as my little sister was; going on trips out east, to the ballet, to the opera, and seeing him often and not just on occasion... i feel like i missed out on getting to know him better even though i know him very well... 

only in the past 4 or 5 years did i discover how much i wanted to be like him...

i never saw him angry... always witty and longing to hold an intelligent conversation... always desiring to win over the heart of a woman with his brain... how ironic was this test of his plutonic theory!!! for he died before he fell in love and had children(which i safely assume he desired to 
do)

and everyone who knows him remembers him like this... he longed to be accepted and loved so he made sure to savor the finest flavors life had to offer... to appreciate aesthetics... to be a great admirerer of the arts... of people... of music... of architecture... of history... all things were perfect and meant to be(underneath ocassional scorn which he knew was improper the instant after he spoke the jaded generalizations), and even if things weren't perfect, he could pick out the most beautiful trait and explain it perfectly based on his ability to speak to you in a language you 
could understand... and he was a genius for that reason... not because of 
his extended vocabulary, but his discretion in using it: knowing how articulate he was allowed to be... he wouldn't want his teachings to be forgotten because of simplistic explanation, nor would he risk being misunderstood should he rant and make you feel like a bit of studious review 
was needed to finish the conversation... he could relate to you and make you feel at home in the arms of his sweet sentences...

but now only still frames remain in his loved ones posession... whether they be etched into the psyche, or developed from film to photo... and time has frozen for him... we will forever remember him the way he was as we last saw him, and not as he would have been had he continued to change and grow... i can't stand the thought of him trying to find himself, though i know how 
lonely a man he really was... i have to believe that he was content... there's no other choice... i refuse to worry about his internal troubles for fear of going insane... besides, i am jealous that he has finished "the race" before i have...

his physicality in this reality has ceased, but i swear he is still alive... and i don't just say this because of the tears that drench my face... he has just gone on a vacation so much fun, that he won't be gracing me or my family with his optical and audible presence any time soon...

he was closer to me than i realized and now i see how distant i was... if i'd known or even guessed he might leave us all alone, i would have confessed that my admiration might have been obsession if i hadn't been so blind...

i cry now because i am afraid i will not be able to be like him like i want to be... i want to be a fervent learner, but i don't know if i'm as strong as he was...

he didn't think he was talented enough to be a famous musician, so he compromised his passion just to survive life long enough to safely become a superstar in the hearts of people around him... and he was a mightier man than i to have made that sacrifice...

i long to be famous... but now i long to be famous even more, so i can tell the world about a man who is infinitely famous to me... he deserves to touch the world and change the way they think... i just sit back and follow his lead, hoping i have the motivation and the courage...

i am just a student...

Anonymous